By Darryl & Tuezdae Littleton
I never set out to marry a comedienne. Ever since I got into the business avoiding them romantically was a stated rule. Why would I want to get involved with a loud-mouthed comedienne? Then I met Tuezdae. Not that her mouth was any less loud than anyone else’s. As a matter of fact when I first saw her she had a microphone up to it and she was getting plenty of laughs. Did I mention we met in a comedy club? That’s a good place to be in front of people spewing with a microphone and getting laughs. Otherwise you’re a roadside preacher and not my type.
I stood there trying to think of what to say. I couldn’t believe it. I talk for a living. Words are my tools. Over the years I’d talked myself into jobs and out of the clutches of the police. Hell, I’d talked my way into a car once with no down payment, credit history of proof of being able to pay for it. It later got repossessed, but the point was I talked it off the dealer’s lot. So I thought of myself as a verbal virtuoso. However, at that moment I was a dry mouth guy with as much cool as Tucker Carlson.
I didn’t want to run her off. I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but sometimes comedians can be a tad bit aggressive. We have a tendency to come on strong. It works fine with groupies, but this was one of us. I doubt she’d be impressed by my basic cable and premium channel notoriety. What to say? What to say? I was running out of time. She was wrapping up her set and I was still drawing a blank. Dammit! She’s done.
As I stood there thinking about all the things I wanted to do with her and not all of them involved getting naked I realized I was about to break my own rule. It was the rule of any thinking comedian. Leave co-workers alone. There was a reason for it. They’re the sacred 3 Commandments of why you should steer clear of comediennes.
Reason #1 – Comediennes talk too much. Everything’s a joke with most of them and when you’ve had your fill you’re the new bit in the set. I don’t care how weak and whispery her voice may be, with even a raggedy sound system she’ll be heard by the crowd. They’ll hear every detail of how you aren’t shit. They’ll hear if you’re good in bed; if you have the right size tool to be good in bed and if anybody else should ever go to bed with you.
Most guys have a break up and recover on their own time. With a comedienne it’s on her time. Bad enough you have to hear how she’s dogging you out through the grapevine, but imagine your deepest darkest secrets exposed on HBO, Showtime or Comedy Central.
Reason # 2 – Professional jealousy. I’ve heard of more than one male comic imply his woman stole his material. If it wasn’t material it was his style, rhythm, persona or any number of things, but she stole. I had a friend who lived with a comedienne who is now a big name comedienne and he still insists she owes him for making her funny. He is not a big a name comic. He’s more of a big time drunk.
Every time he tries to forget her and move on she gets on another TV show. He got a reprieve when one of her shows was cancelled. For a while it was safe for him to go back to using his remote. Then he was watching the game one day and when the commercial came on so did his ex. She was in the trailer of an upcoming movie. The remote went sailing out the window.
Reason # 3 – You must be loyal. Cheating on a comedienne is like cheating at the office and your wife is the receptionist. Sooner or later somebody is going to let the cat out of the bag. I don’t know what it is about women, but they like to make other women miserable.
This last reason is the chief one you don’t see a lot of these types of relationships. Boys will be boys and comics make them look like it. We’re right below Caligula and politicians when it comes to depravity. So to be so delusional that you don’t picture yourself ever getting caught is pure fantasy. Face it – your days as a traveling urges service provider are over. This has been the case for quite a while with male comics.
George Burns cheated on Gracie Allen. It happened after they argued about the cost of a coffee table. George Burns told Jack Benny about his Vegas showgirl indiscretion, not knowing Gracie overheard him. Out of guilt he bought her the expensive coffee table she desired. However, instead of reprimanding him for stepping out of the marriage she told a friend that she wished he’d cheat more often. She could use the furniture.
That’s another thing about comediennes – you never know how they’re going to react.
As Tuezdae descended the stage all I’d come up with to say was, “You were funny”. Yeah, that’s the best a four time published author, columnist and writer for over 100 comedians could come up with. You were funny. With that swoop-you-off-your-feet phrase I marched over to the green room door to give it a lame shot, but I was too late. She was already out of the green room and was now right in front of me. I froze with my clever line in the back of my throat as she said, “Hi. I know you. You’re D’Militant. You’re funny.” Then she smiled and walked away. All I could think as I saw her get smaller and smaller is “You’re funny”. Did that chick just steal my line?